ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
