I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
