Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.