I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.