Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.