i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
