she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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