I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
