Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
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Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
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You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
She had a baby Jesus butt plug