Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky