College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You left your phone here
Wait...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
