he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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