when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
