I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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