He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Life is so much better after having sex.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
