I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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