That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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