Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
