He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
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I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
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A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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