Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
