Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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