U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Randomize
