Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He's a Shit stain on my heart
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
