I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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