i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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