He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
