My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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