Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
