Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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