Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
