I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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