It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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