remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
