I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
