I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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