I'm going to rape someone's good day.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
