But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
