11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
