I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
