I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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