i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize