a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
