i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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