she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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