***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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