I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
