Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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