He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
