Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize