why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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