Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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