Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
