You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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