My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail