i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.