you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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