Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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