Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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