sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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