Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
