So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
