Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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