My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
