I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
