I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
