I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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