i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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