What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
