i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
